The Journey Begins. . .

Today was my very first day working for Intel directly. I got my new badge this morning, and I couldn’t stop smiling about it for hours. Every time I’d glance at it, I’d get a dopey, ear-splitting grin.

I know that what I’ve already accomplished is pretty awesome, but I don’t intend to stagnate, to stay in one field. Intel offers a world of opportunities, and I intend to mine it for all it’s worth.

This is amazing, and I can’t wait to see where the road takes me. Safe travels to you all, both physically (it was snowing here today) and metaphorically (you know, life, journey. . .).

Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

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A long, long time ago. . .

. . . in a state far away, I married a young man whom I barely knew. Yet, I was convinced that he was The One for me. Now, I’d like to say:

Happy 21st Anniversary!!!!! To the man who has grown to become the myth we always hear, “Your spouse should be your best friend.”

It has been a long, interesting road, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Maybe smooth over some of the rough patches (you know, fix the potholes), but I wouldn’t change the course or the destination.

Thank you, my love, for everything you do and have done. Thank you for being who you are. I adore you and can’t imagine my life without you.

 

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Life Rocks!!!

Ok. So, here goes. . .

I got a job that will take me out of food service!!

Yesterday, I had an interview that I’d been waiting for since April.

For years now, my SO has been telling me that I could do the same job they did withe ease. So when the opportunity presented itself, I applied. I passed my first interview and had a second scheduled back in April. Corporate changes dictated that that interview was not going to happen. Now, times have changed. Now, I finally had (and passed!!!) my in-person interview and I’m finally going to live the same schedule as my SO (for the first time in 11 years); I will be able to pay for my senior year of college and finish my degree (so I can move on to a Doctorate’s); I finally, finally, Finally!!!!! get to earn my living with my brain instead of my muscles.  😀 (can you tell what I value most?)

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Closure

I love the internet.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll likely say it again in the future, but right now, I really, truly love the internet.

It has given me countless outlets for creativity that I’d never had prior. It has given me access to troves of knowledge, and even more of the opinions of others. Today, it gave me access to the one thing I’ve needed all my life: confidence.

Today, after only twenty or so minutes of searching, I found what I was looking for: closure. Understanding. Self-respect. Confidence.

I’m not going to expound; the details are negative, and this is a celebratory post.

So. Thank you, Internet! You’re the best tool a girl ever had.

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Happy Fourth of July!!!

Ok, now that the homage to our nation is over, let’s move on.

I’m without my phone, and I’m freaking out!

I’ve always hated having to have a phone. It’s always felt like a leash that I did not consent to have attached to me.

Now, however, I’m lost without it. Well, ok, not lost, but really anxious and edgy. I can’t text any of my friends or call them (and now that I have friends again, turns out it’s really important to me to be in contact with them). I don’t know if my boss has tried to text me; her preferred method of communication. I can’t get in touch with my mother or sisters. No house phone + no cell phone = no communication 😦

Worst of all, I can’t get in touch with my special friend. And I really, really want/need to. :S

Hopefully, my phone and I will be reunited Thursday morning, but how am I supposed to cope until then . . .

 

 

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I’m coming out, I want the world to know. . .

. . . got to let it show. . .

So, I work in food service. My station is outside the kitchen, and I have to pass through multiple doorways every day. Now, when you do so, kitchen language (something every food service worker in America should know about) demands that you say “Coming out. . .going . . . {wherever. The location is not important; the communication is} ) so that everyone is safe. It’s a necessary thing. However, one day, my Chef heard me call out, “Coming out, going to ice” and had the interesting response of “I thought you’d already come out.”

I ignored him and kept walking.

Two Thursdays ago, we had a representative of the LGBT community sitting in the cafe, videos playing about what it’s like to not identify as the gender you physically represent; about what it’s like to find yourself attracted to people that society says you should not be attracted to; on his laptop as he explained to passersby why he was there. My chef chose the “They/Them” sticker, while I chose the “She/her”.

I was really confused.

I don’t know if he understood what he was partaking in. He presents as a purely hetero male, and one of limited exposure to the complexities of society, so his choice stuck with me. Had he chosen “He/Him”, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it.

I’m very attuned to bigotry and other forms of abuse; coming across something like this (someone behaving, in my perception, completely unlike what I’ve come to expect) unnerves me.

Then. . .

 

Orlando.

 

49 people lost their lives because they had the courage to “live their truth”.

 

If they weren’t living their lives to the fullest, they wouldn’t have been at Pulse. If they weren’t homosexual or bisexual, chances are, they wouldn’t have been at Pulse.

 

And so, they died.

 

Because someone else (perhaps closeted; perhaps completely hetero) decided that they deserved to.

For whatever reason soothed his own psyche.

 

Let’s let THAT sink in for a moment, shall we?

 

I’m bisexual and polyamorous. I’ve always felt that I had to hide those two aspects of myself in order to live safely. Turns out that I was probably right.

 

I really don’t like that.

 

Were I in Denmark, I wouldn’t have to worry about my sexuality potentially causing my death. . .

 

(I will follow this post with another later; this subject is too complex for one post)

 

 

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Connections

One of the adjustments I’m still working on is having a social life again. I’ve been so isolated in the past couple years that I forgot that there are amazing people out there who can improve your life simply by existing. Of course, you have to meet them in order to know the caliber of person they are.

The job I have now is at a very large company, and though the clientele of our cafe is not a numerous as some of my former jobs, I have to say that I’ve found more good people in the last four months than I have in the previous two years.

“We’re like a family here.” The first time I heard that from my boss, I had to work to not roll my eyes. Now, I realize that she was right. Dysfunctional, yes. With members leaving and being replaced, but still, like a family. We have our own dynamic, our own culture that is unique to this particular location. We care when someone leaves. We care about those who stay. We are invested in each other, to one degree or another.

It really is a comfort.

 

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Boom, Baby! I’m back! ;)

If I may quote the Emperor 😉

Sometimes, when you are used to being powerless, you can find yourself giving up.

Giving up on growing.

Giving up on healing.

Giving up on things that make you, . . . well, . . . you.

When that happens, finding your way back to a healthy place can be the hardest challenge you’ve ever faced. It doesn’t matter how old you are or what horrors you’ve faced; this can Trump (ha ha [not 😦    ] ) them all.

In order to survive, steps must be taken.

The first thing you have to do is identify what it is in your life that is causing you to behave in the ways that are making you unhappy. You have to identify when you gave up your power over yourself, and why you did it.

Then, you have to decide if you matter enough- to yourself- to take the necessary actions to put yourself back on a healthy path.

It’s hard.

Extremely, and sometimes, insurmountably. Sometimes, you just can’t fathom that you mean that much to anyone else; why should you matter that much to yourself?

I know.

It’s also soooo easy to sacrifice one’s self for others. To believe that they are more worthy of existence (and the best of it, by the way) than you are. But, my dear, in this instance, you are so, so wrong.

The truth is, you matter.

You matter to those who love you.

You matter to those whose lives you’ve touched, or will touch.

Most of all, you matter to you. . .

Or, if not, you totally should.

Let’s let that sink in, shall we?

Um, yep.

Letting it . . .

Whew!

Now that that is over, let me clarify:

I’m not advocating selfish behavior that puts everyone else on earth beneath you on the priority scale; that’s just nasty. People like that make me cranky. 😦

There is no reason to accept abuse, no matter how old you are, nor who it comes from.

With that said, I reclaim what was mine: my writing. My love of cooking. My love of music. My confidence in the fact that I AM a good parent. My love of Life. My love of myself. My love of humanity.

-Good night; it’s late here. 🙂

 

 

 

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Changes! Or, Everything Stays The Same

As you all know, I’ve been doing massive amounts of self-reflection lately. One of the themes that I’ve been obsessing over is cooking.

On the one hand, I love to cook.

On the other, I went to school so that I wouldn’t end up 50 and working for minimum wage in a roasting hot kitchen.

Today, I realized that what I really love is making people happy. One way I do that is to provide delicious sensations on the palette and a full belly through my physical and creative efforts.

I had let my joy be stolen from me, but now, I’m embracing cooking again in a way that I haven’t in years. To quote the Emperor, I have to say, “Boom, Baby!”

Today I’m making Pakistani Lentil Soup, as I’m broke and I really miss my friend Shazia. If ever you read this, dear friend, know that I miss you and think of you often.

I may pair it with Navajo Fry bread because I like it, but really it’s because I get a kick out of pairing Indian cuisine with Indian cuisine (Native American; I am politically correct, but sometimes my sense of humor is a trifle warped).

I hope you all have tasty meals and joyful experiences ahead of you today. I know I do!

😀

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Exploring My Local Area

So, I’ve been doing a lot of emotional processing, and found that I really needed something to break me out of the rut I was mired in. So, knowing that there are multiple lakes around, I did some research and found two that are close to home that have swimming areas.

This Saturday, I intend to take the boys and a picnic, and spend the day lolling about in the shade and in the water. Preferably not shady water. It gets too cold!

Anyway, my eldest is busy cooking us up a feast of a dinner, while my youngest peels potatoes. Life really is good. It’s just the heartaches that are hard to deal with.

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