Monthly Archives: May 2015

This beautiful morning

The birds woke me again at 4:30am, and as much as it can be irritating, I really am a lucky woman to have nature for an alarm clock. For once, I was able to roll over and slip back into slumber, something that hasn’t been easy lately, and I finally woke up at 5.

Normally, when I wake up early, I meander around, visit my favorite websites, or simply play Minecraft. This morning, I decided to change it up.

I had morning cuddle-time with my dogs, after walking and feeding them.

I fed my lizard and spent a little time with him, getting him used to being touched again. He’s getting a bath this evening, and I don’t want it to be too stressful on him.

I took a lovely hot shower, and indulged in breakfast in a way that I haven’t done in months. This afternoon, after spending some time with my offspring, I’m finally going to plant my flowers. Better late, than never.

Now, I’m off to research whether or not deer eat roses, and if so, what to do about it. I was so looking forward to seeing the first bud on my Olympia rose open, and unfortunately, it has been eaten by something. Ah, well, knowledge is always a good thing.

🙂

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Thought-Provoking Situation

All my life, I’ve wanted to be successful in a field I love and educated, acknowledged for my intelligence as much as for whatever talents I may possess. A pretty basic human desire, I think. My problem is this: my education is in a field I love, though it’s not complete yet, so I cannot find employment in said field at this time, while my current work is in a career that deliberately set out to “never have to work in again”. While I resent the fact that I’m making so little money for such physical labor, I have to admit that I’m good at what I do and I do take “professional” pride in hearing compliments or seeing product sell out. I’ve accumulated a lot of student loan debt, and I know that I won’t be satisfied until I have a B.S. after my name at the very least, but I find myself wondering if I should just stay in the field I’m in, where I could obviously be a success. Of sorts.

Ok.

The real problem is this: I am afraid that by the time I’m in a position to go back and finish my degree, I’ll feel like it’s not worth it. I’m afraid I’ll go to my death bed unsatisfied, yet having found enough job satisfaction to convince myself that I’m ok with it.

Thanks for reading my mental diarrhea; I’ll keep you posted as to what develops.

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Mini vacation

I just got back from a mini vacation where I had the pleasure of seeing to old and dear friends. Their joy at seeing me was so wonderfully rejuvenating. I cannot express how much I’ve missed them. However, I believe they know, since it was obvious they’d sincerely missed my presence in their lives. It was wonderfully affirming and something I am not used to seeing and identifying.

I’m glad this time I could. Next time, I’ll be able to recognize it as I’m experiencing it, and it will make the memories even more special.

Perhaps I will finally begin building mainly positive memories instead of mainly negative. Perhaps that’s the secret to optimism: reflecting on the positive, even through the negative?

Even if it’s not, it’s a method that is working for me.

I haven’t felt this healthy in a very long time. Here’s to baby steps and perseverance.

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Day 1, in reflection

Yesterday was a truly good day.

I was able to be a good mom and help my youngest in two ways: delivering homework to the school and finding his long-lost glasses (they were in the lost and found). Unfortunately, when told that his project was in the office, he assumed it was one of his prior attempts, and didn’t retrieve it. At least it’s already there, waiting for him.

Then, I was highly productive at work, prepping and cooking and my relief was on time. Sometimes, there’s just nothing more satisfying.

After work, I headed into town to deposit my check and do a little shopping. On of my favorite people had a birthday recently, and I got to enjoy seeing his joy when I gave him his gift.

While I was shopping for gifts, I decided to get one for myself, as well. In food service, you are not supposed to have open containers such as cups in your work area. If you are drinking, it should be from a closed container with a straw. Well, I work at a bar. You can imagine that providing employee cups like large corporations do would not be high on their priority list. Plus, the cups are only 24 ounces, and once I add ice (kitchens are hot; ice cold water helps prevent heat stroke), there’s little room left for my beverage. So, yesterday, I remedied my problem.

I am now the proud possessor of a 32 ounce, lidded jar with a handle, the lid is pink, and the straw is pink and bright blue. I can’t really express how ridiculously happy it makes me. No more having to either dehydrate at work, or refill my cup every 10 minutes (ok, that was an exaggeration, but sometimes, it’s the truth).

I ended my evening with family time and watching some of my favorite shows. Then, I went to bed early, as intended, and actually slept well.

All in all, a wonderful day.

Now, can I pull it off today? My prediction: yes. 🙂

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Mental Health, a never ending journey

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with depression. Through deep self-reflection, I am slowly making progress towards a truly healthy mental outlook. I have to be honest and say, however, that this is literally the hardest thing I have ever done, and I don’t know that there will ever be an end to it. That thought scares me.

The past year+ has been fraught with drama, life changes, and a lot of pain. I have dealt with it by numbing my mind as often as I could, and had taken a hiatus from writing anything at all. However, I recently made a breakthrough and felt what it was like to love myself wholeheartedly for the first time. To accept myself. To seek the approval I’ve always sought from others, from myself instead. It is strange, wonderful, and scary as hell. If I’m not being validated by others, how can I be sure I’m actually worth the validation? Not that seeking outside approval has made me happy or healthy in the past, but change is hard, and sometimes, I’d just like everything to stay the same for a little while.

For now, I’ll keep trying until this new outlook becomes the norm. This post is a commitment to that goal. A commitment to reminding myself that life is better when it is lived healthily and fully.

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